Getting Back Up

Fibro is a crazy tough opponent. Just when you think you've got it on lock down, it learns new moves.

Over the past year, it's knocked me down over and over again. I can't even remember all of the things that resulted in my loosing my momentum at this point. I do know that writing a blog fell way off the list as I struggled.

Weirdly, the "Fibro Flares" eased up during my pregnancy, although the pregnancy itself was super rough, culminating in my son coming without much warning, two weeks early, in the middle of the night at the end of September.

Since my son was born, my symptoms have slowly crept back to intolerable levels. I'm breastfeeding so I have not yet been able to go back on my medication. I had a good month or two after he was born where I though, maybe I was fixed. When I'm feeling good, it's way to easy to think I was overreacting and it's not really that bad, I'm just lazy. Then Fibro comes along and smacks me upside the head and reminds me that no, no this is very real.

I gained a lot of weight during my pregnancy, which I haven't been able to drop since my son was born. I keep trying to get back into the exercise game, but I have to be super careful, since I can't really sideline myself for days.

The JuJitsu class I've been trying has a tendency to leave me immobile, not the day after class, but the day after that. So if I go to class on Wednesday, Friday I'm floored.

Running is less impactful on my ability to function, but it still stresses my body enough that I have to be careful about how hard I push myself on a run. I'm also only running on a treadmill right now, since there is no way I can deal with the added stress on my body caused by running outside in the winter.

I know I haven't been doing myself any favors with my diet lately, so I've decided to try to get that under control. The hardest part of that is going to be limiting my sugar intake. I've noticed that the more sugary treats I eat, the more likely I am to end up having a flare. There isn't a 1:1 correlation, but more that it seems like my body has fewer reserves, so if I do something like stay up late or go for a run I'll feel it more the next day.

I feel it most in the morning. Every day I have to fight my way out of bed in the morning. I take so long to get going, even after I'm up. My daughter has to be at school at 7:45 in the morning, and since we only have one car right now, I'm the taxi. We drop my daughter off, then I drop the Hubbs off at work, and am home by around 8:30. Once I get inside the house, I get my cup of coffee, set the baby up in his bouncer for a bit and collapse on the couch for as long as I can. I get up to feed the baby, to pick him up and hold him for a bit, or move him to another one of his play mats. I am not really *functional* until close to 11am.

Unfortunately this time, these mornings that I waste trying desperately to get my body out of it's sludgy funk, makes up the bulk of my "free time." When I have the time to go to the gym, to clean, to meal plan and cook, to craft, to write.

I'm trying, I really am. I'm hoping that once I get my diet on track, I can slowly start to fix other parts of my lifestyle to start getting myself more energy, and less time spent locked up on the couch.

As always my motto:

Fall down seven times, stand up eight.

Radical Acceptance and learning to be the new me

For my new years resolution, I made a few simple decisions. This year I would focus on my health, making my health a priority, and have patience. As a part of both of those, I am returning to exercise, albeit slowly - one or two yoga classes a week, the "family BJJ" class at the dojo on Saturdays, and walking the dog when I feel able.

I have also been listening to an Audiobook on Radical Acceptance. I am trying, very hard, to approach this new way of life with openness. I spent last year mourning who I had been, and fighting against the change. It did nothing but sink me into depression and wind me up in knots.

For Christmas, my parents bought me a brand new super snazzy sewing machine (which I had on my list.) The last time I used a sewing machine was in my 8th grade Home Ec class, where I managed to kludge together a crooked locker ladder. I decided right then that sewing was totally not for me, and moved on. Recently I decided that it would be helpful to be able to use a sewing machine to do things like fixing stuff or making curtains, so I put a sewing machine on my wish list, and figured I'd get around to it someday. Well, since my parents got it for me (and like a million cool accessories,) I figured I should at least try to use it. So I set it up, test sewed a few lines on some scrap fabric I had, and put it away. I had accomplished using the machine, done. But then, I started poking pinterest, and found a super easy way of making PJ pants for the munchkin. So I spent too much money on fabric (another reason to keep me out of the craft stores) and got to work. I totally made pants.

That entire story was a way of demonstrating the shift I'm trying to make. Sewing is awesome because it allows me to feel productive even on days like today, where doing much is beyond me. I knit for similar reasons, but with sewing the gratification is so much more immediate, and these days I can use all the gratification I can get.

These new limitations might suck, but life doesn't have to.

Pain is mandatory, suffering is optional.

Another Day, another flair

I'm so frustrated. I had to push myself hard for two days to get everything done. Then, the flair started. Friday my Midget was home (she only has school M-Th.) I sent the Hubs to work with the car, since I was unable to drive in the AM (we only have one car.) Then me and the Midget were stuck inside (it's freezing outside) all day, with me unable to move much.

I feel like such a failure on the days when I am unable to do anything beyond sitting on the couch with my daughter watching television.

Then it got worse. I was up too late last night, so this morning, I was unable to move from the bed until almost 11. I was not downstairs until almost noon. I was supposed to go to a meeting for the Makerspace that I'm a part of this afternoon. Even after I was able to get up and moving, I knew I would be unable to handle the project we were doing, and so let down one of my best friends, who is extremely upset with me now.

We then took the Midget to the "play space" at the Mall to let her get some time running around burning off energy. Just getting myself into the mall and finding a seat by where she was playing was exhausting. Just sitting there watching her play was all I could do.

The Hubs needed more work pants, so we stopped at one of the department stores on the way out, and Keeping the Midget entertained was more than I had left. I ended up finding a little nook, and curling up in it with the Midget and letting her use my tablet until the Hubs was done shopping.

I was literally curled up on the floor of a department store with my daughter.

I feel like this is slowly taking everything from me. I haven't been able to run in almost two weeks. I can't play with my daughter. I am completely unreliable. The Hubs has to shoulder an unreasonable amount of the housework.

I keep trying to tell myself that this is temporary, and for a good cause. It's hard remembering that now though. Maybe it will be easier once I actually get pregnant. Right now it just seems like I'm torturing myself and my family for no reason.

Just now, the Hubs got annoyed because I said I wouldn't be able to get our Daughter ready for bed. He said "You really need to start taking better care of yourself and getting to bed earlier."

And he's right. I know this entire day was my own fault, and it feels awful.

Starting a fight with Fibro

I have been living with my Fibro diagnosis for a while now. Struggling to ignore my new reality, trying desperately to hold on to who I was before this stupid disease snuck it's way into my life.

Before my diagnosis, I was an avid runner, and a Martial Artist. I was trying to loose weight, and was making progress.

Since my diagnosis, it has gotten harder and harder to maintain a fitness schedule. I have a half marathon on my schedule in May. I have not been able to even finish week one of my training plan yet. I had just started adding in swimming to my schedule, but now, I haven't been able to do more than the bare minimum for weeks.

Part of this is because I am off my medication. We're trying to have a second child, and that requires me to be off my medication. I am definitely feeling the effects of not having my medication.

I am up in weight from where I started. I'm staring down the barrel of the dreaded 200, hovering right around 190 most of the time. As a relatively small framed woman, I'm 5'3" tall, this amount of weight is awful.

I'm sure it's contributing to my symptoms. Making movement harder and putting more stress on my body, but it's so hard to get any exercise when most days, just going up and down the stairs is too much for me.

The worst part is feeling like I can't talk about any of it, without sounding like a whiner. Other than the weight gain, I don't "Look Sick." I know, it could be so much worse, my Mother has M.S. so I know how bad it can be. Most days I get at least half the day of activity, but man, I am so sick of being out of shape.

So I'm going to keep this blog, and try to chronicle everything that I do to try to get my life back.

Fibro has me down, but I'm a fighter by nature.

I'm not done fighting yet.